friendship break up?

A lot can change in a week and yet, a lot can stay the same too. This article resounds with me tonight, and I hope that somewhere out in cyberspace it will be a help to you too :)

Recently, I discovered that one of my best friends had ditched me after I logged on to Facebook and found her profile had disappeared from my page. We’d been having problems that had culminated in a huge argument the day before, but I figured we’d get through it. I figured wrong.

Still, being given the heave-ho by way of a social networking site? My first reaction was to laugh. I mean, we’re adults. Unfriending me seemed tantamount to toilet-papering my locker or scribbling my phone number on the boys’ locker room wall.

We had been close for well over a decade. We supported each other through parental deaths, and together we’d bitched and moaned about men for untold hours. I loved her amazing daughter—buying that little girl Christmas presents was the highlight of my holidays. Suddenly, that was all gone. Suddenly, I wasn’t laughing. I was crying.

We know what to do when boyfriends dump us: sob. We eat everything in the house or take to our beds and refuse all sustenance. Usually, there’s yelling—at least at my house. We purge them from our lives. We delete all their emails and erase their number from every electronic device we own.

But when you break up with a girlfriend, things are murkier. For one thing, people don’t feel sorry for you the way they do when a romantic relationship bites the dust. You can’t blame them; it’s not like you were in love or planning a future with your friend. (Even though you assumed she’d be part of it.) So, getting wound up about the loss seems somehow, I don’t know, less legit.

Is it? It hurts as much as any other heartbreak. Victoria Clark made a short film on the subject: “Ruminations on You and Me.” I asked her about the process of grieving a dead friendship. “As a woman, I expect men to come and go because of the nature of love,” she explained. “But your girls are supposed to be on your side, no matter what … That’s what I wanted to believe for a long time, but now I know that that’s not always reality.”

A friend of mine was saddened when her BFF excised my friend from her life after landing a boyfriend. “She hated being single, so if there was a man anywhere in the vicinity, you’d be kicked to the curb,” my pal explained wistfully. Even forewarned with this knowledge, it stung when she was dismissed from her friend’s life.

Unlike my breakup, there was no dramatic defriending. This woman utilized the passive-aggressive method of choice: the slow fade. “I remember buying her a birthday gift, but somehow she just never had the time to come collect it.”

Like any other kind of relationship, friendships end. It’s not like I’ve never dumped a pal. I’ve gotten back together with a few. Because I miss her and love her, I gave making up a shot with this one. A few weeks after I was banished from her Facebook page, I emailed her an apologetic note.
I never heard back.

                                           -from The Frisky

Love & friendship,
a s h l e y <3

relationships

I was in the middle of band today and I had this thought... why do we do anything at all? I mean we have this one life and why do we choose to spend it working or going to school or participating in hobbies such as marching band? My conclusion is that we choose to participate in this activities because either consciously or subconsciously we have a need for the relationships that these things bring with them. Does that mean that our whole life is based on what we can do to develop relationships? ...actually, I think so. Relationships are what makes our hearts beat, they're the whole reason we're on this planet. All of the other things are just subgoals. So today I challenge you to remember the relationship aspect of life and not let the other things stress you out :)

Yours,
a s h l e y

stop and smell the roses

It hit me today that today was my last "first" day as a drum major. Sure, I've known that this is my last year but it really sunk it today that I will never be in this position again. Along the same lines I will never again be at my university as an undergrad student. This is my last chance to live the "college" life. 

However, I am also living the "married" life. The combination of the two makes for an interesting struggle. There are times when I wonder if any of my friends even remotely understand the issues I face, it seems like they live this disillusioned life of how things are going to be in the "real" world. There are budgets, and no more asking Daddy for money, sometimes washers break and that $75 you were saving up for a long weekend is now invested in the man that is letting his butt crack hang out in your kitchen. Things are different than I thought they would be, but the best part of all of this change and uncertainty is that, no matter how cranky I am, when I break down in the kitchen floor over soapy water and unwashed dishes I have a pair of arms that are right there to pick me up again. And that, my friends, is worth all the broken washers in the world. So, this first/last year is going to be a great one because I have someone that reminds me that I am worth something to at least one person in this world and that makes all the difference.

Love,

a s h l e y

feeling left out?

I think that everyone feels left out every once in a while. 

Here is a blog I found by Julie Allan that sums it up quite nicely:

"It happens when nobody meets your eyes, or answers your questions. It's happening when you find yourself listening to conversation and finding no opening to say what you think or feel. Eventually, you find yourself melting into the background. Becoming part of the wallpaper.

Feeling left out is something all of us has experienced. Whether it happened in school, or at a party or on your first day of work. But some of us go through days and days when the people we call 'friends' ignore or forget about us. Sometimes it's intentional, and sometimes it's not, but the bottom line is... we're left out.

One might ask, why on earth does it happen? Don't they realize what they're doing? Do they care? What should you do? Is there anything that can be done?" 

Yes, there is!

I am the world's worst to think "Well if they really wanted to hang out with me then they would call me, or invite me with them..." and then I shrink away and cry in my room with a bewildered husband wondering what to do with me. It is especially bad for me when I am out with friends and they are all making plans for something to do another night and no one asks if I want to come along. I would say that the invitation is implied by talking about it in front of me, but when they say "oh, well i'll text you tomorrow with the time" it's like a big "NO ASHLEY'S ALLOWED!" sign. This has been an issue for me lately, one I am still dealing with. But surely there has to be hope! I can't spend the rest of my life wallowing in the fact that no one is inviting me out! So here are some steps I plan on taking to keep me from sulking in my house with a confused husband...

1. Be the party planner.

So you're not getting invitations? Then send the invitations yourself! Put yourself on your own guest list and start participating (and hosting) the events that everyone wants to go to.

2. Make new friends.

There are over 6.5 trillion people in this world and to feel lonely when only a dozen or so of them forget about you is ludicrous. Find another set of friends that have been taking their ginkgo biloba!

3. Set an example.

Chances are there are other people in your life that you too have been neglecting. Maybe it's your sister or your childhood friend that lives across the state. Whoever it is, make an effort to re-establish that relationship. Not only will your loneliness fade, but you will have a stronger friendship too!

Whatever you do, don't lose heart! Remember that friendships, like every relationship, ebb and flow. You can't be so rigid or you'll end up losing them for good. So take a step back and remember that this is your only chance at this ride called life, don't waste it being caught up in the little things!

Love and friendship,

a s h l e y

maybe it's okay to not know "why"

In the past year or so I have had the unfortunate experience of learning what it feels like to lose a close friend and not know why. Sometimes those reasons can be anything from distance, to marriage, to children, to a career... but it always comes down to the fact that you were on the same life path, even if just intersecting, and now you're not. And you know what? That's okay.

I remember reading somewhere that there are three different types of friends. Those that are with you for a reason, some for a season, and a very few for a lifetime. It's okay to let those friends fit their description and then move on. That's a difficult lesson because it means change, and for most (definitely me included) change is scary. You have to learn not to force a reason friend into a season friend. It's like jamming a puzzle piece into a spot it wasn't designed to go in. It may fit but it's not the beautiful picture that the artist imagined. So quit forcing those puzzle pieces where they don't go and let time work out your beautiful life picture. I'm sure it will be worth waiting for :)

Love and encouragement,

a s h l e y

the happiness project

So, I bought this book last week and then felt guilty about spending so much money at barnes & nobles (Luke and I are working really hard on our finances) so I took it back. BUT the one chapter I did read was fantastic, so now I have found the author Gretchin Rubin's blog and I am inspired!

Basically Ms. Rubin devoted one year of her life to finding more fulfillment and happiness within the current life that she is leading. She didn't quit her job take a year sabbatical to Europe or find peace in some west coast vineyards. She continued her career and her family life in new york city while working on her own outlook on her life. In her own words... 

"The days are long but the years are short."

If you want to know more about it I'll let you go ahead and get the full story from her blog (http://www.happiness-project.com/). I think this is something worth pursuing though and in my own way I am finding my own happiness project. Much like any other road though it is filled with twists and turns and low shoulders you can blow your tires on (as Luke would say, haha)... but if it's a destination worth arriving at then we'll push through! So go check her out for yourself... the world could use a few more happy people :)

love and smiles,

a s h l e y

a little pick me up

Lately I've been feeling a little discouraged with myself. I've been feeling like I'm the way too common factor in every rocky path my friendships take. And I am. However, today I talked to my childhood friend Sarah D (she and I go all the way back to preteen angst and my first eyebrow tweeze, haha) We were catching up and I beelined it to my current state of confusion and she had just the answer I needed. I told her how I'm starting to see my flaws in a new light, how I hold grudges and pull away when people hurt me. It's a defense mechanism, and I don't know how to turn it off. Even if the offending person apologizes I still feel like I have some kind of right to be mad.

She told me that I shouldn't be so down on myself, we all have flaws, no one is perfect. She made it seem so easy, like all I have to do is not think about it so much and just live. She's right, I expect perfection from myself and my friends. And when I (or anyone else) show my imperfections I panic. I get disappointed and I think that the world is ending. I've forgotten how beautiful and unique our imperfections are. She also gave me an outsiders view on myself, a much needed boost to my self esteem. She told me about my wedding...

She told me how the whole room swirled with happiness, and it was all centered on me. She told me that she was jealous of me, the way my friends talked like I was the best person they had ever met, the way Luke looked at me, how I exuded joy and peace. She said she cried at how beautifully I interacted with every guest and how I had everyone in the room captivated. She told me how proud she was of me, and how glad she is that we are friends.

 I needed that today because I've been feeling like an outsider. The one no one wants in their group but puts up with because of the super awesome person they come with. I'm sure that's probably not true, but I thrive on the acceptance of others and I've lost that feeling lately. I'm on the path to finding the acceptance and confidence I need from God and not from an outside source. But for today, my outside source was an old friends with a welcomed message. :) 

much love and optimism for tomorrow,
a s h l e y